My Fair Lady |
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| Act:1 Scene:1 | Covent Garden Market | |
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It was a cool night and Professor Baloo Higgins fresh from a most satisfactory
performance of Giselle made his way through Covent Garden Market in the early
hours of the morning, making notes as he did so of the local dialogue,
the cockney idiom and patois in which the market was so rich.
The local accents and dialects of language was a passion, a profession and an academic study for the bear. It was a field in which he had made his name. It had helped a lot that the field was a remarkably big one, and of equally remarkable lack of interest to most others. It is not difficult standing out in a field in which you are virtually alone, especially when you are an inflatable animal. It is amazing what may be achieved by a single bear, unhampered by womenkind, sheep ... or brainy bits. One of the things which may be achieved is a very eccentric style of dress: Baloo Higgins is dressed in polo shirt, tie and a green hula skirt; despite the time of day, he is wearing sunglasses. Covent Garden Market is a hive of activity. Flower stalls and market porters are busy. A small young sheep is eating odd flowers that have been discarded in the gutter. There is no sign of the rest of the flock, so it is likely that the sheep is both lost and alone.
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| 1st Cockney: | 'Ere. That bear there! Wot's 'e up to? | |
| 2nd Cockney: | Dunno. Wot's 'e doin'? Taking notes? Odd behaviour for a bear! | |
| Baloo Higgins: | Do not fret, my good man. I am merely collecting data on local dialects and pronunciations. | |
| 1st Cockney: | 'e talks funny for a bear. | |
| 2nd Cockney: | 'e talks funny for anyone who should be mindful of their own business. | |
| Baloo Higgins: | Simple phonetics. The science of speech. That's my profession. Also my hobby. Anyone can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue, but I can place a man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets. Take this sheep for instance. | |
| Flossie: | Baaa! | |
| Baloo Higgins: | It is clearly a Suffolk sheep, and a long way from home. | |
| Flossie: | Baaa! | |
| Baloo Higgins: | It's words like 'Baaa' that keep it in its place, not its woolly fleece or sheepish face. Why can't the English teach farm animals to speak? This verbal class distinction by now should be antique If you spoke as it does, Sir instead of the way you do - Why, you might end up eating flowers too! | |
| Col. Pickering: | I beg your pardon! To whom do you think you are speaking? | |
| Baloo Higgins: | And who, Sir, might you be? | |
| Col. Pickering: | I am Colonel Pickering, lately returned from the colonies. Are you saying that with elocution lessons from you, this young sheep could pass muster in high society? | |
| Baloo Higgins: | That is correct, Sir! You see this creature with its farmyard banter, the inadequate English that'll keep it in the gutter 'til the end of its days? Well, sir, in six months, I could pass it off as a duchess at an Embassy ball. I could even get it a job as a lady's maid or a shop assistant... which requires better English. | |
| Col. Pickering: | I will wager you a thousand pounds that you cannot do it! | |
| Baloo Higgins: | Keep your money, Sir. It is a hypothetical case. | |
| Col. Pickering: | Do you doubt, then, you can do it? | |
| Baloo Higgins: | Why, no sir, but to what end? | |
| Col. Pickering: | To prove your point? | |
| Baloo Higgins: | Hmm. It is a tempting challenge. | |
| Col. Pickering: | But it has four legs and wool? | |
| Baloo Higgins: | How one speaks is everything! I will accept your wager, Sir! How much was it? | |
| Col. Pickering: | (thinking quickly) Ten thousand pounds! | |
| Baloo Higgins: | Done! If you wish to accompany me home, I will give you free board and lodging indefinitely and we will both amuse ourselves with this young sheep. | |
| Col. Pickering: | (aside to audience) This bear is a fool! | |
| Baloo Higgins: | (thoughtfully) Do you think it's a male or female sheep? | |
| Col. Pickering: | I have found from my experience in the colonies, that it usually makes very little difference. | |
| Baloo Higgins: | Hmm. We had best not carry it back through the streets, people are like to talk. Perhaps we can find some string or rope? | |
| Col. Pickering: | I thought I saw some over there. | |
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Baloo and Col. Pickering exeunt stage left leaving Flossie in centre stage.
Lights dim, spotlight on sheep. Flossie breaks into song:
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| Flossie: |
All I want is a room shomewhere, Far away from the cold night air, With a big brown friendly bear. Oh! wouldn't it be luvverly? Lots of parshnips for me to eat, Grass that's freshly picked and very shweet, Warm nose, warm earsh, warm feet. Oh! Wouldn't it be luvverly? Oh, so loverly sittin' Absho-bloomin'-lutely still I would never budge 'Til shpring crept over the windowshill All I want is a place to shleep, Shome nice place where they cater sheep, Where the price is nice and cheap. Oh! Wouldn't it be luvverly? Luvverly. Luvverly. Luvverly ... | |
| Baloo and Colonel Pickering return. They have found some rope. Tying it around the sheeps neck, they lead the sheep off. The sheep is somewhat surprised by all this attention and is bleating nervously. | ||
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